What's "Normal?"

Our house is attempting to resume a sense of normalcy. I'm not even sure what that means. For nearly three months, we were consumed with the reality of my uncle's illness. His declining health became our focus, each and every day. We watched him grow more and more ill and our hearts were broken inside us. I have never experienced anything so painful. Believe me, I've walked through horrific things. I've been at the bedside of several who were getting ready to pass from this life to the next. I'm grieved. I've mourned. I've wept. I've felt sorrow so deep that I wasn't sure I'd be able to get out of bed each morning. But never, ever, have I walked so deeply into the "valley of the shadow of death." While I knew that my uncle was ready to meet Jesus and I had absolute peace that he was ready, there were so many other things that were going on around me. So many relationships that were being tested. I really couldn't even focus on my uncle as much as I wanted, because of all the other "stuff" that was going on. Even now, I still feel that I am in a state of shock, desperately trying to work through so many things. Things I cannot write about here...or anywhere. Things that only God, my husband and a few other trusted souls will ever know about...

Normal...we are trying to get back to a normal routine. A normal way of living. Meanwhile, all I can think of is my dear aunt. She will never get to go back to "normal." Her world has been turned up-side-down. Each day is a painful reminder to her that her prayers were not answered, her hopes have been crushed. She is left to pick up the pieces and start over...and I know she'd much rather join my uncle...Every day is a fight. Every day is full of questions without answers, doubts without assurance, pain without cure. I love her so much and yet I feel so distanced. I don't know how to be available and present without smothering. Neither do I want to give her too much space and make her feel abandoned. Her daughter's family has now moved in, so I really feel like I am in the way. Each day I struggle with whether I should call or not. When I do visit, I feel like I should be DOING something...just sitting seems so futile...

Oh, dear Lord...we need You, we need You, we need You. I don't know how to proceed. I don't know what is enough and what is too much or too little. Comfort every heart that is aching. Bring beauty from our ashes. We need deep healing. There are things that have been unbalanced for generations, You alone can bring the restoration that our family needs...