I woke up this morning, tormented by what I consider to be nightmares. Most people would not agree, but for me, the dreams were traumatic. No snacks, spiders or zombies were chasing me. No near death experiences or loss of a loved one. All of those things would scare me but only one thing truly terrifies me. Only one thing makes me loose all sense of reasoning, all rational thinking, all my wits.
Vomit. Yes, vomit. I am phobic about other people being sick. This is something that I have battled for as long as I can remember.
Nothing, I promise you, no thing, paralyzes and renders me as useless as the fear of someone else getting sick around me. I dislike travel (planes, trains, automobiles, buses) because I tend to get motion sick a lot and some of my family members do as well. I no longer go to amusement parks or the local county fair, because almost every time I have gone to those places, someone has been sick around me.
I always say that I could never be a nurse, teacher, janitor, hotel housekeeper or any other profession that requires me to clean up after someone who has been sick. Of course, God put a deep desire in my heart to be a mother and my children are the only one I can “sort of “ help through such things. God allowed me to have three children who are a lot like me, so it has been a challenge to learn together and fight our fears.
The fear of someone getting sick on the airplane or of a baby getting sick on me almost kept me from coming on this trip. I have flown 30+ times in my life and most of the flights have been smooth. On one bumpy flight to Florida a few years ago, I was gripping my arm rest, whispering prayers and singing softly to myself. Once the plane landed, an older gentleman who was sitting behind me said, “You were scared, weren’t you?” I just nodded, while thinking, “Sir, you have no idea. I was not the least bit afraid of plunging to my death. If I die, Jesus is on the other side. However, I was terrified that someone would puke. And Jesus can’t clean up that mess.” (Sorry if that sounds sacrilegious.)
I have invited Jesus in to every memory I have that may be connected to this phobia. I have prayed, cried, screamed about feeling like a freak because it is still such a struggle for me. I have concluded that this is one thing I may battle until the day I die. I can either let it dictate to me what I will or will not do. Or, I can face my fears, trust Jesus and move forward, knowing that He will give me all that I need.
I battled a lot of sickness for months after I made the decision to come to Guatemala. I also sat with a loved one who was quite ill for many long weeks and my stomach was weak and didn’t handle some situations well. I heard the voice of the enemy screaming at me, “What are you thinking? Are you crazy? Every time you travel to another state or another country, you get sick. People around you will get sick. You don’t have the strength to do this. Pull out now.”
I resolved that I would not back down. I was going to Guatemala, come hell…or vomit. I was going to do what I believed God put in my heart to do. I was going to take this trip, see if my forty-year old self could “handle” the heat, the terrain, the food, etc. and discern if this was a trip I could share with my sons.
So, you can imagine my delight and gratitude to God Almighty when I made it through five days of the trip without vomit. I was downright elated. I gained some confidence and found myself thinking, “”You got this. You can do this. It’s all good.”
Then, I woke up form the vomit dreams. This happens from time to time, and I know it is the enemy’s tactic to suffocate me. I felt nauseous and did not know if it was because of the dreams, the heavy meal we had the night before or if my normal stomach issues had found me in Guatemala. The voices were screaming, “I told you so! You can’t travel to third world countries. You can’t do this again. You should not be here.”
A few minutes later, I found out that one of my team mates was also feeling sick to her stomach. This caused my own to begin flipping and flopping even more. My nerves were on edge. I was processing so many things and this was going to be the straw that broke the camel’s back. I began to pray to my sweet Jesus, already knowing what the answer would be.
You see, I knew that He was going to allow me to face my biggest fears this week. Instead of asking Him to spare me of discomfort, I had prayed, “Lord, whatever comes, I trust You. Give me grace to be like You, no matter what I have to face.” So, before I even prayed, I knew what He was asking of me and I surrendered. I found our team leader and I said, “I am not feeling well, so I will stay here with __________ and take care of her.” (This is NOT me speaking. This is crazy talk!)
The group gathered around me and prayed for me before they left, and Heidi confirmed what I already knew in my heart, “This is spiritual warfare.” Of course the enemy knows what my biggest fear is. He used it against me almost weekly. But, my God is greater and I chose to stand on Him and His strength.
My sweet, sick friend came into my room shortly after the team left and I prayed over her. As I said “Amen,” she got “the look” on her face and said, “I’m going to be sick.” I told her to go take care of it and I would be near by if she needed me. (Again, this in NOT me speaking. This is crazy talk! I run from these situations, covering my eyes, closing my eyes and chanting, “Jesus, help me, Jesus help me.”) I paced outside the bathroom door, praying for her. She came out and I knew that she wasn’t “finished,” so I said to her, “Do not hold back on my account. Do not worry about me. I knew I was going to have to face this and I am here for you. Do what you need to do.” She was able to do just that. I stayed close by and helped her to make a bed on the couch, found her a clean water bottle and left her to rest.
There are no words to express how big my God is. He is bigger than my fears, He is bigger than my weaknesses. He is enough. He gave me the grace to face the thing that terrifies me the most and, in the process, be His hands and feet to my teammate. She is a sweet lady and I hated that she was suffering, but I counted it an honor to serve her in that way.
Thank You, Father, for giving me all that I need to live and to love, I chose to follow you, no matter where you lead me. Even if this fear haunts me for the rest of my life, I chose to obey You and go when you say go. I love you, Daddy!
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