A Mother's Worst Fears

I have refrained from posting many personal thoughts this week, as I have been feeling very overwhelmed, fearful and depressed. B has been fighting some form (or multiple forms) of illness for almost five weeks. He has been running a fever almost constantly that entire time, has a lot of nausea and some vomitting, stays in his bed or on the couch most days. We assumed he had a virus at first, so we didn't take him to the pediatrician right away. When things didn't clear up, I suspected Strep and took him for a test. The doctor, an elderly man who maybe should not be practicing medicine any longer, ran a Flu test and sent us home with that diagnosis. He reminded us that it might last for 7-10 days. B did not improve. About a week later, I returned to the doctor and this time the same one diagnosed B with a sinus infection and prescribed antibiotics. I thought, "Finally, my boy will get better..." Another five days passed and he only felt worse. The meds seemed to be making his stomach hurt more, the fever remained. Yesterday, I toted him and the twins back to the doctor's office, this time relieved to see a different MD present, a lady/mom at that. We described his symptoms and she took one look at his peeling fingers and said she believes he's had Strep for at least two weeks. I told her I had some real concerns about him running a fever for so long and requested to have a CBC count done to check his red and white blood cell counts. She looked me in the eye and said "I've looked him over, carefully, and I can assure you he does not have Leukemia." I lost it at that point. Nothing scares me more than cancer. I am so fearful that someone in our family will fight that battle, as so many do. My try to talk myself out of such fears, but it's a sick and wicked world that we live in and when my boys have fevers or infections for long periods of time, this is where my mind goes. "But, to set your mind at ease, I'll order the CBC test, along with Strep and Mono tests." She sent us up to road to an lab, stating that it would be a finger prick test.

I loaded up the boys, along with their worksheets so that we could get some school work done while we waited. I prayed hard that we wouldn't pick up any other germs while we were in the office, as I took two healthy children in. When they called B's name, he already had a plan for what finger he'd choose, not wanting to mess up his Game Cube controller fingers. The lab tech informed him that it would be a draw from his arm, not his finger. My son went white as a ghost and I grabbed a bucket. He wanted to see the needle, but I begged him to look at me while she drew the blood. He squeezed my hand and tried his hardest to be brave. He made the mistake of peeking at the vial and began to vomit...Poor, sweet boy. He was as brave as he could be. My heart was breaking...

We returned home to wait...Tried to get the twins through school, helped to make B comfortable in his room. I was a wreck...Around five, the doctor finally called back to say the CBC count was fine. I decided I would allow myself to BREATHE again. The other tests are not back yet, she suspects he may have Strep and Mono combined. As long as my baby doesn't have Leukemia, I can rest. My mind was immediately eased. I know none of knows what tomorrow holds, but for now, my son is going to be OK. We've been through the Strep and Mono thing before, we'll get through it again.

Thank you to all of you who have called, emailed and prayed. It has been a long, hard winter for us and I am more than ready to see daffodils and tulips, sunshine and green grass. I am ready to say "good bye" to this season, it's time to move on.