A Painful Week...

This week has been intense. I kicked the week off "celebrating" my thirty-seventh birthday. This was the most difficult birthday I've ever faced. For so many reasons, most that are un-bloggable, I fought severe depression, loneliness and despair all day. I told myself that "life is what I make it," so I "pulled myself up by my boot straps" and tried to make the most of it. I did a four mile workout, a gift to myself. It has been almost four months since I last worked out (mostly due to sickness and fatigue), and I want to get back into that routine. I gave the boys the day off from school, packed a picnic and set out to explore a nearby park. We walked the trails, spotted a snake (exciting for them, shivers for me), they hiked along the mountain, played in the creek and ate lunch. We were out in the beauty of nature for over four hours. Then something happened and I felt myself spiral downward. By the evening, I was a puddle of tears, sobbing, sobbing, sobbing.

Tuesday dawned and with it, the throbbing "hangover headache" that comes from crying too much. I tried my best to make it a good day. Really, I did. Then I faced another altercation, this one with my firstborn child. I hit the lowest of lows, felt the deepest despair and didn't think I even wanted to climb out of my hole. All in all, the cloud of despair and depression grew heavier over my head, it felt as if I as suffocating.

Wednesday I made myself get up and move. I babysat for a friend. I took all four boys outside for hours, hoping the sunshine would help to lift my spirits. Still, I felt heavy. I ran errands all evening and came home utterly exhausted. I sat down to my computer and was shocked to hear that our beloved David Wilkerson was killed in a car crash earlier in the day. His precious wife is in critical care. I wept until my eyes could not squeeze out another tear. Why, God, why? It seemed like such an unfair, violent way for him to be taken. He deserved a peaceful death. And, what about this world that is now left without a voice that spoke directly for the Father? Is this a sign that the end is very near? I have so many fears about the end times. I know that I am secure, I know that my children are safe for eternity, but so many are not ready. So many have chosen to ignore the voice of God, the Word of God...and I ache for what we might endure at the end. I don't want to watch my children suffer, nor do I want them to watch me suffer for Christ. This is a mother's deepest fear.

That night, exhausted beyond reason, I fell asleep. The next morning I woke up, not feeling the least bit rested (again, the "hangover," cry headache), but not able to recall waking in the night. I found out that we had extreme weather (tornado warnings and watches all night long). Another tornado touched down just miles away. I felt overwhelmed and frightened. Since D is away I am the one who is supposed to watch over and protect our boys. They slept upstairs all night, the most unsafe place in our whole house. I was mad at myself for not being more in tune. Just a few weeks ago, during another tornado warning, we huddled in our downstairs bathroom for hours, seeking refuge. I am not dealing well with this type of danger. Our region is not one that is accustomed to tornadoes, we don't even have a basement. I don't want to live in fear, but I do want to be wise and prepared in the ways that I can be.

I trudge on...because I must. The main reason I feel depressed is because there are so many things I had hoped would be better "by now." I am probably halfway through my earthly life and I'm not where I want to be. I don't mean dreams of accomplishing this or conquering that. I no longer care if I ever write a book, record a CD or go on faraway adventures. All I want is to be at peace, at rest, living in a place of harmony and unity, having a home that reflects the true character of Christ. I want to be at peace in certain relationships. I want to be accepted and good enough for certain people. I know all the right scriptures to quote to myself, I know I should not feel what I feel. And yet...I do. I hesitate to even post such raw emotions, because I cannot bear to be quoted Romans 8:28. Not today. I already feel guilty for being down, which only adds to the feeling of depression! I know there are plenty of good things in my life, there is much I should/could be grateful for. I know that God is good. I know that He has carried me and He will continue to do so. I just want to "keep it real." It has been a painful week...