Dear Sons…

Brandt, Carson and Jordan,

It is Mother’s Day and I am sitting in the quiet of the morning, in a puddle of my own tears. I am a weepy mess. We have had a long week, preparing for our huge yard sale and you have hung in there with me. You worked so hard and we had minimal bumps in the road, considering the magnitude of the project we took on. Over $900 has been raised so far, to offset the cost of next year’s home school curriculum and some much need clothing, shoes and other items for the growth spurts you have had. Brandt, you are almost six feet tall now. Carson and Jordan, last summer ten slim fell off of you, this year, you barely fit into a 14 regular. Where did my little boys go?

I am a weepy mess because I feel that I have not been the mommy you deserve, the mommy you need me to be. I have be short, impatient, rude, lacking in self control, unhappy and downright depressed. You are old enough to understand some things but there are other things I still choose to protect and shelter you from  So often, you are on the receiving end of my pain and it is not fair for me take out things on you that are not your fault. I am so, so sorry for the ways that I have failed you and I beg you to give me grace as I try to get it right.

I love you so much and all I have ever wanted was to be a mommy…a good mommy. A loving, caring, patient, comforting, nurturing and supportive mommy. Do I still have time to get it right? Perfect I will never be, but I know that I can do better. I must. I want to listen more and interrupt less. I want to speak softly and cease yelling. I want to spend time with you, exploring the things that you love and not be so distracted by other noise.

You are the most precious people in my life You matter more to me than anyone else. You are my joys, the ones that motivated me to keep going when all I wanted to do was give up. You got me out of bed each morning and made me put one foot in front of the other. Without you, I do not know if I would still be here. I do not say that lightly, for God knew I needed your sweet faces to keep me going each day.

I thank God for entrusting me with three sons to raise and to mother. I thank Him every day for the honor and privilege it is to be your mom. You are becoming young men, right before my eyes Three little ones who were in diapers (all at once), now able to take care of me and others around you. It won’t be long until you all tower above me, Brandt has already zoomed past.

I pray that the years ahead of us will be ones of deep, deep healing. I ask God to grant each of us grace to stand, come what may. I beg you to forgive me of my shortcomings, failures and mistakes. I ask you to look at the motive of my heart, even when I fail to communicate effectively. I want God’s best for you. I desire that you grow up to be men who love Him and love the people He places around you. I long for you to be tuned in to the spirits and emotions of others and to lead them to places of hope and healing. I pray that you will use every gift He has placed within you to honor Him and to bless others I pray that you will “do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.” (Philippians 2:3-4).

I once envisioned myself with a daughter, but when God chose to bless me with three sons, I was more than satisfied. I cannot think of a greater honor than to raise three future husbands and fathers. As we bump heads and grate each other’s nerves, I tell myself, “Every battle against flesh that we win here and now may be one less that their wives and children have to battle later.” And, you are helping to reveal the “yuck” in my own heart, so that I can be a better wife, mother and friend. I thank you for “doing life” and “battling” with me. Truly, we are learning to become more like Jesus as we live out each day together. I pray that when all is said and done, that you will know that you are loved my God, loved by your parents and loved by each other. I pray that we will be bound together by a deep, undying and faithful love that will carry us through our lives. I pray that no one and no thing will ever stand between us and, come what may, we will have each other’s backs.

Brandt, Carson and Jordan, I thank you for allowing me to be your mama. Thank you for letting me make mistakes and giving me a chance to get up and try again. I count it my highest honor to be your mama. I love you, and I will be here for you as long as God gives life and breath.

I Love You,
Mama