On A Precipice

What a year this has been! I recently told a friend that if I had known on December 31, 2009 what the new year held for me and my family, I would have crawled into a hole, shut off all communication with the outside world, pulled the covers over my head and hibernated through the next twelve months. I had no idea all that pain, sorrow, anguish and hopelessness that lay ahead. I believe that is why God doesn't reveal too much to us at one time. He goes before us, He prepares the way, nothing takes Him by surprise. However, if He let us know what was around each corner, we would tuck out tails and run away and never face the things that He knows are coming.

On January 12, we were out celebrating our twins' birthday when my dad called me to tell me about the devastating earthquake that hit Haiti. I took his call and listened and my heart hurt, but I had no idea the severity of the situation until I got home and turned on the news. For the next month or longer, I was consumed with finding out everything I could about this tiny nation that has a huge place in my heart. I frantically searched for missionaries and others that I know who are in Haiti, I networked with Facebook and blogs to find out how different ones were faring. Desperate to help in any way that I could, I organized a benefit and our efforts raised over $4,000 to send to the front lines of the relief efforts. I also found a local adoption agency that specializes in foreign adoptions and began the process of getting a home study done to clear us and put our names on the waiting list for when Haiti becomes open to international adoptions. Dreams that have been deep inside my heart for nearly two decades were beginning to unfold before my eyes. My family was on board, my boys were even making room for their new siblings while making piles of toys to sell so we could finance the endeavor.

In early February, the doors were slammed shut. These circumstances are not ones that I feel at liberty to share in my blog, but I can say that my world was rocked and I didn't know if I would come back from the blow that hit our family. We spent the next five months sorting through the debris, trying to determine what was salvageable and whether or not we would recover. The adoption option was put on hold. My sons, the ones I gave birth to and know beyond all shadow of all doubt NEED ME, remained my number one focus. I cared for their hearts, cuddled with them on our green couch almost daily to powwow and process the emotions they were feeling, schooled them to the best of my ability and provided for their basic needs of shelter, food, water and clothing. In that time, I had many family members and "friends" walk away from me. In my deepest hour of need, I quickly learned who my real friends were. (I thank God for the ones who stood by me!) I cannot even find words to describe how forsaken, abandoned and alone I felt...even now, the tears are flowing. A heart can only take so much.

In early August, just as we were climbing up out of the pit that had been dug for us, we received word that my uncle was ill. The next three months would be the darkest, most painful and bizarre months I ever walked through. Ever. I've been through deep valleys in my life. I have walked through broken relationships, deaths of loved ones, frightening illnesses of my child, financial hardship, but I have never walked through something as intense as my uncle's illness. Again, for reasons I cannot divulge in a public arena, my heart was pierced and bled, bled, bled. I ached for those who were suffering but was not allowed to care for them as I felt led. I watched my uncle suffering, witnessed the anguish of his loving wife and the turmoil of his children, and yet my hands were tied. I walked with my daddy, day in and out, as we gave each other a sounding board to process all the intense emotions we were feeling. We made the journey back and forth over the mountain at any hour of the night or day. We sat for hours in the waiting room, hoping for news that would lift our spirits. We bounced a precious baby on our knee and walked the windowless halls with her, trying our best to keep her occupied. We "slept" in chairs, sitting straight up, so that my aunt could leave the hospital and get a good night's rest. When my uncle went on to be with Jesus, we did everything we could think of to make the transition "easier" for his family...and the months that followed, the agony of strained relationships and family dynamics continued to grieve our spirits. We are still in shock from all that transpired.

Here I stand, at the edge of the precipice called 2011. Do I jump in blind faith and trust that I will be carried? Do I head for the hills and hide out in a cave with the three boys that give me reason to wake up each day? Choices, choices!

I must say, through everything that I have faced in 2010 and beyond, I know one thing. God is good. He is faithful. He is true. He has never left me alone, even when people have walked away. He has not forsaken me. He has not abandoned me. I know that I know that I know that He is the One, the only One, I can rely on. I choose a one word focus each new year and at the start of 2010, I felt led to keep the word I had in 2009 and spend another year learning what it meant to ABIDE. I didn't even think about that word much in the trials and tribulations of the year. About a month ago, it hit me...ABIDE. Merriam-Webster online dictionary defines the most common form of abide as "to continue in a place : sojourn." I wanted to learn how to abide with my Savior, to walk with Him and talk with Him and share His heartbeat. Now, as I look further into the definition of abide, I am amazed at how it defines 2010..."to wait for," "to endure without yielding," "to bear patiently," "to accept without objection," "to remain stable or fixed in a state," "to continue in a place." Wow...that is the deeper definition of the word abide. I am blown away...God placed that word on my heart at the start of 2008 and for two years, He's wanted me to learn what it means to abide in Him, to walk with Him and talk with Him and be about His business. Now, I see how this abiding process needs to spill out into the lives of others He leads me to. As I learned to wait, endure, bear, accept, remain and continue, He used each situation to sharpen me, to cut away the dead vines and to bring forth His fruit in my life. Now, even as I teeter over the edge of this cliff called life, I can say beyond all shadow of all doubt, "My God is good. He is faithful. He will walk with me, come what may. He will not leave me, He will not forsake me. He has prepared a place for me to live with him forever. There is nothing on this earth that is so painful that it can compare to the glory of meeting Him face to face. I can make it, with His help and by His grace." Faith has grown in the minefields of injustice, abandonment, hopelessness and sorrow. Beauty has come forth from the ashes. I do not know what the future holds, but I do know He is holding me and He will cover me, come what may!